


you'll come home eventually, i know you will

by PurpleCatGhost



Series: HLVRAI Fanfics [7]
Category: Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Benrey Ends Up In Gordon's Apartment But With A Twist, Coping Mechanisms, Gordon and Benrey are both bad at feelings, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Darnold/Tommy/Forzen, M/M, Minor Injuries, Post-Game, implied bubby/coomer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:22:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25557298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PurpleCatGhost/pseuds/PurpleCatGhost
Summary: If there's one constant in Gordon's life, it's that Benrey always finds his way back to him.It doesn't matter if he's supposed to be dead- he's come back from that before. GordonknowsBenrey. This won't stop him. He's coming back. And if he doesn't...
Relationships: Benrey & Gordon Freeman, Benrey/Gordon Freeman, Darnold & Gordon Freeman, Gordon Freeman & Everyone
Series: HLVRAI Fanfics [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1744285
Comments: 32
Kudos: 491





	you'll come home eventually, i know you will

**Author's Note:**

> I had a lot of feelings. This was the result.

Gordon stumbles into his apartment, feeling half dead and with a heavy HEV Suit on his back and a surprisingly light robotic prosthetic attached to his right arm.

Despite the well put together birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese, Gordon couldn’t find it in him to enjoy it. Like a spring locked and loaded, Gordon waited for something else to happen. More military, more aliens, more skeletons, _Benrey-_ something was going to happen. Gordon could feel it deep in his bones.

But nothing happened. And Gordon found his way back to his apartment, alone.

Joshua is spending time with his mother- probably for the best. Gordon doesn’t even know what he would _do_ if Joshua approached him right now. He’s covered in a dry mixture of blood, alien slime, and dirt. The strangest thing about it is that he barely even feels it anymore.

Gordon takes apart his HEV Suit and leaves it scattered across his bathroom floor before taking a long needed shower. As all the grime washes away, he feels like a snake shedding its skin and even when it’s gone, he sits in there for an extra hour. Gordon doesn’t even know if there’s too much on his mind or nothing at all, but Gordon grows numb to it.

Eventually, the hot water runs out and Gordon steps out. Wrapping a soft towel around himself, Gordon flinches at the fabric at first before feeling like he’s never felt anything more comforting in his life. How long as it been since something’s been _soft?_ How long was he even _in_ Black Mesa?

God- he can’t think about it right now. Gordon’s too exhausted for that.

Gordon brushes his teeth, relishing in the minty taste in his mouth, but lingers when he looks in the mirror. It’s not the same as he was an hour ago- he almost looks _normal_ now. Aside from the new scars and bags under his eyes, Gordon stares in the mirror and is almost fooled that he’s looking at just a regular guy who _didn’t_ just get back from Hell itself.

It doesn’t feel like him at all. 

Gordon manages to find his way to his bedroom and passes out the second he hits the pillow. He sleeps for more than half the day and feels like shit when he wakes up, new aches plaguing him and hunger forcing him to get up despite them and shuffle his way over to the fridge.

Gordon shoves food down his throat and as soon as he’s awake enough, he searches his house. Every single nook and cranny- Gordon pokes and repokes around his house, searching for him.

The security guard who never left him alone. Gordon’s convinced he _has_ to be here. Because Gordon learned a lot in his time in Black Mesa, and he learned very quickly that Benrey was an unstoppable force.

Death didn’t stop him before. Benrey would get shot, leave a body on the ground that Gordon _knew_ was his and _knew_ was dead, then would show up later. Benrey always followed him around, despite all his best efforts. Benrey always found his way back to him, no matter what. 

It didn’t matter what happened before. Gordon destroyed all the passports and killed him, so what? Benrey would be back. Gordon _knew_ that for a fact.

Everything else felt so uncertain- Gordon wasn’t always sure who was on his side and who would betray him. What was real and what wasn’t. Life and death, reality itself, what should and shouldn't be possible- _none_ of that had been reliable. It all changed, morphed, _mutated_ and was weaponized against him, but Gordon knew one constant. 

No matter what, Benrey always came back.

This wouldn’t change on him either. Gordon couldn’t afford to be left unprepared. Benrey _would_ find his way back to him. So Gordon sat in his apartment, eyeing the front door and waited.

He would come. Gordon was sure of it. All he needed to do was wait.

The day passed him by. Nobody knocked on that door. No Benrey.

—

Eight days passed. No skeletons, no Sweet Voice, no random guards asking for his passport.

No Benrey.

But none of that meant that Gordon was letting his guard down. If anything, Gordon was more ready than ever. 

Gordon kept his passport by his bedside, this time making sure it wasn’t expired. He would constantly check around the house, just in case Benrey showed up one day. Gordon could imagine it vividly.

Gordon would be just getting back from the store or from the park where he talked with Tommy and played with Sunkist and he’d be there. Benrey would be lounging on the couch like he owned the place and give him one of those lazy grins of his. Probably say something smug like, “Miss me, Feetman?” Then laugh and laugh and laugh.

Or- _or_ Gordon would wake up to the smell of food. Gordon would stumble into the kitchen and Benrey would be cooking. Was he a good cook? Probably not. He’d probably be trying to fry nachos in a pan and boiling soda. Unless he somehow found a way to make that taste good. And Gordon would stare while Benrey would start talking to him like all of this was natural. Like he was always there. 

But Gordon would come home to an empty apartment and when Gordon woke up to the smell of cookies, it was only because it came from the candle that Tommy had given him. No smug looks, no nonchalant guards, nothing at all. 

No Benrey.

Was he hiding from him? Gordon had killed him last time he saw him- maybe he was waiting to _ambush_ him. 

When Gordon went out, he checked every alleyway, every window of every store he passed by, every bystander he walked past. Gordon searched high and low as subtly as he could. If the rest of the Science Team noticed, they barely said a word. Closest he got was a look from Bubby when he scanned the diner they were eating at and a comment about how he should try and get more sleep and stop freaking out over nothing, quote, “Like a dumbass.” 

Despite sending him a flat look in response, Gordon did try to take his advice. He tried to sleep in, to go to bed earlier, but it was rough in more ways than one. 

Gordon wanted to stay up- Benrey would inevitably find him again and he didn’t want to be caught while he was sleeping. He kept an eye on the door even as he tried to relax with trash TV. It did little to settle his nerves.

Not to mention, his dreams had been less than kind to him. Nightmares of Black Mesa popped up and Gordon woke up in a sweat every time. 

They had been trapped down there for almost exactly a week. Seven days trying desperately to survive the hellhole his former workplace had become. Aliens or the military at every corner and Gordon trying desperately to keep himself together because if he fell apart, he wasn’t sure if he could be put back together again.

Constant stress of survival on the mind. Nothing making sense, everything feeling wrong, and near the end of it, Gordon was certain he was losing himself. Aliens could spawn into existence at any time- their planet was unlike anything he had ever seen- his friends sometimes died but didn’t really and Gordon wasn’t sure he could _take_ the constant surprises. Were the skeletons real or weren’t they? Why couldn’t anyone else see them until they fought Benrey? What even _was_ Benrey? 

Everything seemed to tell him that he couldn’t rely on anything. His friends betrayed him, reality was not what he thought it was, and death was not always permanent. He grew a _gun-arm_ for fucks sake!

But Benrey was a strange constant. He was unpredictable for sure, but some things _were_ predictable. The biggest of them all was that Benrey always _always_ came back to him.

Benrey follows him down to the testing chamber. Benrey gets vaporized by the machine but ends up walking down the hall again like nothing happened. Benrey gets crushed by a door and shows up by the train tracks. Benrey gets shot and goes down but he ends up back in their group anyways. He dies again and again and again. But he always came back. And he always made his way back to Gordon in particular.

Benrey would come back. It doesn’t matter what happened- it doesn’t matter how long it’s been, because he _always_ comes back. 

This isn’t going to fall apart on him either.

—

It’s a little over two weeks since Gordon left Black Mesa and never went back. No half lidded, deep red eyes, no cackling that follows after he’s done something reckless, no poking fun using insults that don’t quite make sense.

No Benrey.

Gordon feels like he’s standing still as everything else moves on without him. Bubby and Coomer are talking about marriage and are building their own house. Darnold and Forzen move into Tommy’s house with Tommy and Sunkist and from what he hears, they’re all doing pretty good. Black Mesa sends hush money to them all and Gordon has barely touched his.

It’s not like he’s done nothing at all- Gordon _has_ been somewhat productive. He gets rid of his HEV Suit finally after staring at the pile in his laundry hamper for a week straight. He cleans up his apartment a little and has Joshua over for a few days, which makes him feel the best he has in weeks. He occasionally dog-sits Sunkist when Tommy needs him to and attends a weekly, mandatory brunch with the Science Team, where Darnold and Forzen and, on rare occasions, Mr. Coolatta joins them. It’s not like he’s sitting around the house all day.

Yet he’s just as restless as if he were.

It’s true what they say about a third party. How sometimes it’s easier to vent to someone you’re not as tightly knit to. Because against all odds, Gordon ends up ranting all of this to Darnold. Darnold is a cool guy and he trusts him but Gordon didn’t expect to be spilling his guts out to him.

Gordon lies on the couch of the Coolatta household, hands covering his face and burning with embarrassment. Darnold isn’t too far away, mixing together a new flavor of soda absentmindedly as he soaks in what Gordon just spewed out. He doesn’t even know what happened- one minute he arrives at Tommy’s house in hopes to vent to _him_ and quickly finds out that he and Forzen both went out to walk Sunkist and get some groceries and the next, Darnold asks him if he wants to lay down and talk about anything and Gordon instantly takes the offer.

“Wow uh…” Darnold stirs with one hand and looks up at Gordon. “You had that all in you for a long time, didn’t you?”

“Am I _that_ obvious?” Gordon groans into his hands.

“No- well… A little actually- but that’s not why I ask. You were talking _really_ fast, you know that?” Darnold says carefully. “I mean… I don’t mean to _pry_ but I think you might need to see a therapist or something.”

“Therapist?” Gordon turns his head and gives him a skeptical look.

“Nobody’s going to think less of you- I’m fairly certain almost everyone else is seeing one. And for good reason too.” Darnold’s face scrunches up. “What happened back in Black Mesa was _terrible._ I barely even scratched the surface and I was _eager_ to get out of there and never look back. I saw some people die- I still have _dreams_ about that!”

Darnold pauses, pouring another liquid into the beaker before turning up the hot plate and continuing to stir. Watching the fluid movements is oddly soothing to Gordon. 

“What I’m trying to say is that regularly seeing a therapist and talking about these things might do you some good! I know for sure it’s helping Forzen so might help you too.” 

“...You’re probably right.” Gordon huffs. He rubs his eyes with both of his hands. “It just all feels so _off_ and I don’t know why.”

“It’s probably because you miss him.” Darnold says casually. Gordon’s head snaps to attention, taking Darnold aback. “Uh… Gordon?”

“I don’t _miss_ him.” Gordon tells him immediately. 

“You… You sure talk about him a lot for a guy who doesn’t miss him.” Darnold raises an eyebrow at him. “I’m not judging, it makes sense really. You spent a lot of time with each other, it’s only natural.”

Gordon opens his mouth to protest. Then he stops because he thinks- he _really_ thinks about it. 

How he can’t stop thinking about Benrey and him coming back. How he’s starting to not only get antsy that he hasn’t but _disappointed._

_“Oh fuck.”_ Gordon whispers, just barely loud enough for Darnold to hear him. Darnold nods solemnly and pours his newest concoction into a mug before handing it to him. Gordon gulps it down without a second word, eyes fixated on the motionless ceiling fan.

“How’s it taste?”

“Delicious, thank you.” Gordon breathes. “I have a lot to unpack, don’t I?”

Darnold hummed in agreement. “I can only do so much to help but I can do what I can. Oh, and it goes without saying that this conversation will stay between us. Won’t say a word to anyone else!”

“Thank you, Darnold… If there’s anything I can do to repay you, I’ll gladly do it.”

Darnold paused for a long moment. “Would you mind giving me a full review of that drink? I have a survey sheet I like to have filled out so I know what to improve upon and what should stay the same.”

Gordon gave him a smile. “Yeah sure, give it here.”

—

Week number three. No vests saying security, no blue and silver helmets, no sharp, inhuman teeth. 

No Benrey.

Gordon’s starting to think he’s not coming back. It twists him up inside a lot more than he would like it to.

Gordon would say that grief does funny things but he’s not sure what he feels. Whatever it is, it’s strong enough to linger in his chest even after all this time. Not to mention, whatever he feels makes Gordon do a few things he can’t quite explain.

Gordon gets the number for a therapist but hasn’t gone in yet. Going in feels like he’s admitting Benrey isn’t coming back and that just… Kills him? He knows he needs to but… Not yet. Gordon needs time- just a little bit more time. By the end of the month, he tells himself. That’s enough time… Right?

Gordon buys a PS4. He hasn’t even _used_ it yet, he doesn’t know why he bought it but it’s… It’s comforting? He doesn’t even know what to call these feelings. Guilt, anxiety, grief, hopelessness, desperation- some weird mix of the bunch most likely. And having a PS4 in his house just kinda helps. He doesn’t miss the looks he gets from Coomer and Tommy when they see it but luckily, they don’t ask for an explanation. Gordon doesn’t know what he would say.

Some of Gordon’s most troubling dreams are the ones where Benrey is with him one moment and gone the next. No explanation as to why or where he went or if he’s even _alive._ Just gone.

Gordon knows he’ll have to let go eventually. But not yet. Right now, he can cling to the past for a little longer.

_Maybe,_ Gordon tells himself, _he’ll come back. Maybe he’s just taking longer this time because of the circumstances. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe._

—

The one month mark will hit tomorrow, and it’s nearly midnight. One hour before Gordon has to finally tell himself that Benrey isn’t coming back- that’s the deal he made with himself.

The thought should set him free. But Gordon is sleepless, lying in bed while fully knowing it’s futile to attempt any sort of rest now.

His heart thumps in his chest. A buzz of anxiety keeps him up. Gordon swallows hard, trying to entertain the idea that Benrey isn’t coming back but only feels sick. 

Darnold was right. Gordon misses Benrey- but even more than that, he wants him back.

The sound of his front door opening is quiet, but Gordon shoots up in place. Everything speeds up at once. At a time like this, he knows it can’t be anything good. His friends would’ve given him a heads up or at the very least announced themselves upon coming in. There’s an intruder in his house. _Am I about to be robbed? This is literally the worst time to get robbed, fucking-_

He can’t deal with this. But he has to. Gordon grabs the baseball bat he keeps under his bed and slips out of his bed soundlessly. He grips his weapon with one hand and with the other, curls around the door knob before whipping the door open, ready to threaten his would-be robber.

Time stops for Gordon. His arms go limp and Gordon stops breathing for a second.

Benrey stands frozen in the doorway. He looks like he might regret his choice of coming in and bolt for a second but the door is already shut behind him. Benrey stands there like a deer in headlights.

Gordon doesn’t say a word. His face has long gone slack and all Benrey gets is a blank stare, slowly processing the sight in front of him. Benrey gives a weak smile but the fear is palpable and suffocating. He waves half heartedly with one hand while his other clutches his side where a large, red stain originates. Benrey holds himself awkwardly like he’s in pain. It takes Gordon less than a second to realize what is wrong with him.

“Heyyyy Feetman.” Benrey’s voice wavers. Gordon doesn’t think he’s ever heard it do that. “I- uh… I- I need-...”

When his voice cracks, Benrey goes silent. Benrey’s breathing heavily, it’s easy to hear in such a quiet room. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Benrey seems to be standing on his last legs, desperate and afraid. Afraid of _Gordon_ it seems, a reverse of their usual dynamic that makes his head spin.

“I need your help.” Benrey forces out. 

The bat slips out of his grip and clatters to the ground. Benrey flinches at the sound and Gordon’s legs move on their own, making a beeline for him. 

Benrey backs up, laughing nervously. “Feet- Feetman, I- I can explain-” His back hits the door and blood drains out of his face when he realizes he’s cornered. Gordon advances with no signs of stopping. His hands fly up in an effort to defend himself. “G- Gordon! Please, I can just g-!”

Words get caught in Benrey’s throat when Gordon wraps his arms around him, pulling him into a bear hug that neither of them were expecting. Everything goes deathly still. 

The first thing out of Gordon’s mouth is, “Took you long enough.” A breath hitches in Benrey’s throat, clearly not expecting that. Gordon adds, “I missed you.” Benrey melts in his arms on the spot. Tension releases from his shoulders and it takes him a minute to respond.

“...You did?” Benrey’s voice is far softer than usual.

“I did.” Gordon pulls away but holds onto one of his hands. He squeezes it- it’s just as solid as before. Benrey’s _real_ and he’s _here._ Gordon doesn’t know how he’s going to explain this to the rest of the Science Team but one step at a time. His eyes dart to the blood soaking through Benrey’s uniform. Gordon’s seen Benrey take worse but Benrey doesn’t appear to be in tip top shape. Gordon supposes that coming back from the dead will do that to you.

“Come on.” Gordon gives him a tug and gestures to the couch. “Let’s get you fixed up. You look like hell.”

Benrey laughs at that. It’s shaky but it’s genuine. “I _feel_ like hell.”

“Mm. Was starting to think-...” Gordon almost doesn’t say it but Benrey glances at him curiously and the words fall right out of his mouth. “Was starting to think you weren’t coming back.”

Gordon’s not used to seeing the raw emotion that briefly appears in Benrey’s eyes. Or maybe he just never noticed it before. His time in Black Mesa is a blur these days. He was so focused on survival that when he actually got out, Gordon learned a lot about the people he befriended along the way. He actually got to know them.

For one moment, Benrey is vulnerable. Not physically- though Gordon supposes that too- but _emotionally._ Then Benrey laughs to himself like he’s trying to play it off. Gordon wonders how often he did that before to throw him off.

“Had to. Someone had to uh… Play your-” Benrey’s eyes light up with recognition, eyes fixating on something behind Gordon, _“Yo, you got a PS4?”_

Gordon stifles a laugh but the relief that washes over him is evident. He didn’t know how much he wanted this until now. Gordon shakes himself and grabs the first aid kit before settling besides Benrey.

Other than a few hisses of pain as Gordon cleans up his side- he can’t tell the origin of the wound but whatever it is, it’s nasty. No wonder Benrey’s looking worse than usual.

“How uh… How long was I gone?” Benrey mumbles as Gordon tries to find a bandage big enough to cover it before settling on gauze.

“Almost exactly a month.”

Benrey whistles lowly. “That’s… Huh. Guess it did take a while.”

“Yeah.” Gordon wraps up Benrey’s side, glancing up at him. “Where were you?”

“Uh… Dead?”

“Right.” Of course he was. Gordon killed him. No wonder he was so fearful upon coming back. “Sorry.”

The surprise on Benrey’s face makes Gordon wince. “S’okay… Sorry ‘bout the hand.”

Gordon nods. When he finally finished wrapping up Benrey, he lays back on the couch and groans. He has a sneaking suspicion that it’s going to be another hour or so before he can sleep.

“Should we uh…” Benrey fiddles with his hands, not meeting his eyes. “Should we talk or… Something?”

“Later.” Gordon puffs. “I- I just need to _relax._ It’s been a hell of a month and it’s nearly midnight. Not in the mood for a long talk.” His eyes trail all around the room before he locks onto something. A small smile breaks out on his face and Gordon gets up from the couch.

“Think fast.” Gordon tosses a PlayStation controller in Benrey’s general direction. Benrey catches it without blinking twice, but does stare down at it once it’s in his hands. 

“You wanna play games?” Benrey asks slowly.

“Got a better idea? I’m gonna be up for a while and you don’t look like you’re in the mood for sleep either.”

Benrey hesitates but eventually smiles in response. “You sure you want to get your ass kicked? Can cringe Gordon and his fail gamer skills handle losing?”

Gordon almost doesn’t notice it. How for the first time in a month- longer if you count the time in Black Mesa- he’s breathing easy. No more loose ends, no more waiting and wishing for someone in fear that they’ll never come, none of that.

Benrey is here.

And Gordon knows peace.

**Author's Note:**

> I forget what inspired this but I remember getting a lottt of feelings at once and it turned into this! Honestly, I can't really think of any notes I need to addd- or anything I can really put into words really, just a lot of vague feelings- so I'm just gonna leave it how it is! I hope you all enjoyed anddd comments are heavily appreciated!


End file.
